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Patient Story |
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Evelyn Ann Hollier McCordsville, IN United States female Living with AML for 16 years, 9 months Age: 53 This is a letter I wrote several years ago for people training with LLS's Team in Training: Eleven years ago I had acute leukemia. After months of chemotherapy I lay in yet another hospital bed preparing for a bone marrow transplant. As massive doses of chemo and radiation began to take hold, I wrote: “Oh Lordy, I had forgotten. Forgotten what it was like to lie here on my narrow bed like a sacrificial offering, feeling my body being ransacked, my thoughts being cast loose from their moorings. It flays the soul, laying it open, snick snack, with the sureness of a boning knife. There are not enough tears in one body to wash away the savagery of it. How could I have forgotten?” I had two days of “preparation” behind me and five more to go before the transplant. Much to my surprise, ten years later I was still here and still in remission. I decided to celebrate the 10th anniversary of my transplant by running with Team in Training. I had the tremendous good fortune to run the Anchorage Midnight Sun marathon in 2004 with dozens of people just like you, who ran in my honor and helped me celebrate my 10th “rebirthday.” I often have big dreams around the anniversary of the transplant. That night, I dreamed: “Gandhi is running with us and the Dalai Lama is one of the spectators. Many runners, including Gandhi, ask me for my blessing. I realize that he is here to make a point and that I should pay attention. I put my hand on his forehead. This blessing is not just a ritual laying on of hands but an actual transmission of energy, out through the energy center in the palm of my hand and into the energy center in the forehead of the recipient. As I run a little farther, the Dalai Lama is in the throng of onlookers and he reaches out to me to bless me in turn. I can feel a warm current of energy passing from his hand into my forehead. It vibrates slightly, flowing like warm honey and reverberating through my entire body, carrying with it a feeling of the most sublime peace and timeless serenity.” My marathon meant a great deal to me in ways that I am still trying to articulate, part rite of passage, part pilgrimage, part an opportunity to give something back as a survivor, part giving cancer a good hard poke in the eye. As I pondered the deeper meaning of the race and my dream, I realized Gandhi and the Dalai Lama were there to remind me that when our egos step out of the way, in those moments when we are really able to ground ourselves in compassion for the suffering of others, when we truly do what we do as an act of service, then we become vessels for the divinity within us. And through us, it moves out into the world. In that moment we are completely interchangeable with Gandhi, the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, even Christ and Buddha. Just like us, they were perfectly ordinary human beings. Just like them, we are Higher Consciousness made manifest. The only difference between them and us that matters – but it’s a big one -- is that they were completely willing to give themselves up, to turn over their humanity to a much larger purpose. Very simple. Very, very difficult. Completely humbling. While you might not feel up to the task of filling Gandhi’s or Mother Theresa’s shoes, many of us join TNT in the desire to make the world a better place, to bring us all closer to the day when others will not have to lose someone they love to this dreadful disease. You will get lots of support. The coaches are terrific, the training program is well thought out, your mentor and your fellow runners are sources of encouragement, sound advice, and company along the way. Nevertheless, let me be frank: If you are a mere mortal like me, there will be days when this will be hard, when you will ask yourself what on earth possessed you. On those days, remember all the reasons to be part of TNT: for those you love, for your teammates whose own successes are nourished by the blessing of your energy and your presence, but most of all for those in the future -- whose names you will never know -- who will live long and productive lives because of what you did. This is a fact. The survival rates for leukemia and lymphoma are inching upward every year. Not so long ago, such a diagnosis was a virtual death sentence. I know I owe my life to the kindness of strangers, much like you, who helped fund the research leading to my state-of-the-art bone marrow transplant. In the end, you will discover that your race day is an incredible celebration of life. For me, it was the 10th anniversary of the day I received my brother’s bone marrow. Thanks to you, there will be lots more like me in the years to come. |
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